I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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