As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
