hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You are the jesus of drinking
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
