I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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