found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
