Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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