I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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