So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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