mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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