Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
