my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
