Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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