see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
