you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
