possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
