The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
