The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
