Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
It's just like the Real World with babies
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Will exercising make me less horny?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
