It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
