Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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