I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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