I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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