but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
