it hurts more in the daytime
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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