Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
