I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
