I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I've blown a few things in my day
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
