I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
