Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
