somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
