Taylor Swift is so right about you.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
