Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
