You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
