Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Im part way to drunk.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
