I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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