I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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