How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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