Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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