So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
