i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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