I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
