I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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