This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
