i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
