i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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