That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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