During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
