Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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