I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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