Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
