I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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