I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
